He was cute. VERY. His picture was sent to me by a friend. She knew I had been looking and was exhausted from driving all over town for these awkward 60 minute meet and greats. Not to mention the disappointment of always walking away knowing it wasn't a match. How do you decide- “yes, YOU!..WE are gonna make a life together, for better and worse -snoring withstanding!”
They always say you'll know, but I have yet to "know" anything..and I am kinda running out of time here.
i've heard its a numbers game. I know I'm bad at math but I also know that 3x per week x 6months- is 72. 72 hours of my life that I won't get back without one maybe or yes.
Now, I have been known to find something wrong with everyone so perhaps the fault might fall on me. DOES fall on me! But forever and ever is a long time and so I'd like to have the right feeling about it.
SO. i made a deal with him. The HIM whom I'd never met, or maybe the deal was with the universe or the gods or maybe just with myself . deal was this-if he saw me and approached me- I was IN no matter what… and WE were going home together for a happily ever after.
Did mention that his picture was cute!? VERY cute.
I saw him before he saw me. And once I started to approach he made a beeline for me, shockingly quick, (oh no.. )and then just as quickly, he was gone. And then he ignored me for the rest of our visit.
SHIT..
And for the record, he wasn't cute. not even a little. His hair was shaved but with a mohawk on top. his body- emaciated, he was either malnourished or had a ridiculous metabolism. his personality was energetic to say the least and was more like borderline neurotic meets hyper. I'm sure he had ADD. And NOW I was gonna be one of those girls. with one of those guys.
He seemed confused but agreeable when I threw him into my car. and he just kept staring at me in shock. honestly, he seemed panicked too. It was like the blind leading the blind.
yes, i would take him home.. BUT I was l already questioning for how long.. I asked about the return policy -which there wasn't. a flood of panic overtook me as I realized I had nothing! I wasn't prepared in the least, which is altogether pretty stupid for someone who had been shopping for over 6months. its like i should of at least had a bowl or something. The shelter gave me his leash, some food and a piece of paper with his previous owners name for him- they called him-snoop-snoop dog. my new white scrawny looking dog was straight outta compton. Apparently, His last owners had taken him to the park and then just never picked him up.
And I thought I had abandonment issues.?!
When the shelter called them, cause they had left his tags on, they said they didn't want him anymore. Left by his owners at the park?! and I thought being dumped via text was bad.
Before the rescue shelter found him he had been through 2 dog pounds. I felt like I was his last hope.
Ugh, I hated that kind of pressure.
He paced for a week. slept standing up and ruined every piece of furniture and carpet I had. Not to mention my favorite white pants. I barely brushed my teeth and showering was questionable. He was not to be left unsupervised. He was in a constant state of panic. fear. fear of me leaving. fear of not knowing his way around, fear of me. He constantly paced and clocked my whereabouts. didn't have to worry about him running away.
Now ME on the other hand, I was ready to bolt. I couldn't breathe. It was like some guy had moved in with me that I didn't know, who kept following me around and wouldn't leave me alone. And he always had this LOOK. like he always needed something. food, drink, walk, play and I was left to pick up all his shit.
Funny how no one mentioned the REAL side of adopting a dog..And at this point I was way too prideful to give up. BUT in 30days that would be enough of an effort.
If we can't make this work in 30 days- you are going back. back? back to where? I'm an asshole, don't mess with this guy. he has enough issues. i thought it was gonna be easy -fun-unconditional love.
Not sure if it was my hero complex or the guilt of reinforcing his abandonment issues but at the month mark, I was able to shower without unwanted surprises awaiting me and he was able to sleep through the night. he put on some weight and his hair grew in and he did actually get cute. VERY cute. And instead of feeling suffocated by his constant need to know my whereabouts, I became proud that at the parks he would always come when I called him..I named him HENRY. not consciously after ex, but maybe unconsciously?! Snoop .. that just didn't stick. he left street life behind and traded it in for cotton sheets from bed bath and beyond. he replaced garbage left overs for chopped chicken from the co-op in santa monica. the guilt of leaving him alone never went away but it did lessen. Now I was the one who was attached and co dependent. And I replaced my destroyed furniture with dark dirt hiding couches and rugs.
Flash forward 13-14years later. not sure of the exact year all i know is-4th of July. because THATS when fireworks took on a whole new meaning- dog drugs.
and as he gets older and can't hear a thing, not that he ever really listened anyway, but its okay cause he is so good. Now that I'm surrounded by other pet owners I realize just how lucky I got. He is SO easy. And he still misses me when I go to the bathroom, and when he is in the mood he sleeps on the right side of the bed and lets me spoon him and when I'm not in the mood, he sleeps on the floor. And even though he can't hike anymore and is afraid of the stairs.
He tolerates ME now.
Sometimes i find myself just staring at him filled with so much love that the thought of being without him guts me in a way I can't even fathom. I get so unbelievable heartbroken when other peoples dogs die .. its this strange mix of respect and amazement at how they can go on living. Just the thought of it- lets-- something else. writing this has made me both feverish and I've lost my voice which I don't think has ever happened to me in my adult life.
But I'll tell you this -Turns out you can get by rather happily without your favorite white pants.